Are You Listening to Your Colleagues—or the Story in Your Head?

We communicate all day long—in meetings, emails, texts, Zoom calls, performance conversations, and sometimes even through our silence.

Yet despite all that practice, how often do we walk away from a conversation thinking, That didn’t go the way I’d hoped?

Someone became defensive. Your intent was misunderstood. You felt unheard. Or perhaps you understood the facts of the conversation—but missed the person entirely.

After years of coaching leaders, I’ve become convinced that many communication problems don’t begin with what we say. They begin with what we assume before we ever say a word.

Imagine a colleague has missed an important deadline.

Before you’ve even spoken, your mind may already be constructing the story:

They don’t care.

They’re disorganized.

They aren’t committed.

But what don’t you know?

Maybe they’re overwhelmed and haven’t asked for help. Maybe something significant is happening outside of work. Maybe they made a mistake and are embarrassed to admit it.

None of those explanations may be true.

That’s precisely the point.

Until we’re curious enough to understand another person’s reality, we’re communicating primarily with the story we’ve created in our own minds.

And those internal stories don’t stay internal. They influence our tone, questions, facial expressions, body language—and ultimately, the conversation itself.

Empathy Begins Before We Speak

Empathy is often thought of as being compassionate, kind or “good with people.” I see it differently.

Empathy is a learnable skill of awareness, understanding and connecting—specifically to an underlying emotion in ourselves and others.

And that makes it a powerful skill of Emotional Intelligence.

Because before I can become curious about what’s happening for you, I need enough self-awareness to recognize what’s happening in me.

Am I frustrated?

Impatient?

Distracted?

Already preparing my rebuttal?

Certain I know what’s going on?

When we’re under pressure, our capacity for empathy can narrow considerably. We start listening for efficiency instead of understanding. We solve before we explore. We respond to words without becoming curious about what’s underneath them.

So here’s a question to contemplate this month:

What might I not yet understand?

Try asking yourself that the next time you’re certain you know why someone behaved as they did.

You don’t have to abandon your judgment. Just delay it long enough to get curious.

Because your first assumption isn’t necessarily wrong.

It’s simply unlikely to be the whole story.

Coming in November: Improve Communication With Empathy

On November 12 at 1:00 PM ET, I’ll be presenting a live Lorman webinar, Improve Communication With Empathy, where we’ll explore how empathy can help reduce defensiveness, build trust and strengthen communication across professional—and personal—relationships.

We’ll move well beyond simply being more empathetic and examine what gets in the way, what empathy is—and isn’t—and practical ways to communicate differently when conversations matter most.

Join me November 12 at 1:00 PM ET for the full one-hour webinar, Improve Communication With Empathy.